A man is crossing a road one day when a frog calls out to him: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." So he bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again, saying, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are." The man takes the frog out, smiles at it and returns it to his pocket. The frog goes on, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I will be your loving companion for a whole week." Once again, the man takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back. The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I will stay with you for a year and do anything you want." Again, the man takes the frog out, smiles at it before returning it to his pocket. Finally the frog asks, "What's wrong? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and offered to do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" "I'm a computer programmer," the man replies, "I've no interest in a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
The hungry panda
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, then pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts: "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager: "Hey man, I'm a panda! Look it up!" So the manager opens his dictionary and looks up the word "panda". "What does it say?" asks a confused onlooker. The boss reads: "Panda: A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Last edited by nealos101 : 01-01-2002 at 07:20 PM.
I was chatting with Bigsparky yesterday and to cheer him up I told him a joke, Both he and his other half said they enjoyed it and I thought we should start a thread with either jokes or funny stories, Here is my first attempt.
Two blokes go into a bar for a drink and when they get to the bar one turns to the other and said"Get them in Donkey, I'm of to the bog"(john).
The chap orders two pints and the barman said "Why did he call you Donkey"
The bloke said " He aw, He aw, He always calls me that".
There, Thats my shot give it a go if you want but keep it clean.
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!
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They say "Laughing is good for the soul". If this is true then my soul is very, very good.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
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They say "Laughing is good for the soul". If this is true then my soul is very, very good.
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
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They say "Laughing is good for the soul". If this is true then my soul is very, very good.
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks .
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, ' I can remember that You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment :
'Where's my toast ?
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They say "Laughing is good for the soul". If this is true then my soul is very, very good.
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then ?'
'Because she can still drive!
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They say "Laughing is good for the soul". If this is true then my soul is very, very good.
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.
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They say "Laughing is good for the soul". If this is true then my soul is very, very good.
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me two thousand pounds, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.
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They say "Laughing is good for the soul". If this is true then my soul is very, very good.
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful
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They say "Laughing is good for the soul". If this is true then my soul is very, very good.
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